If you missed part one of our story, click here.
When I left off we had just had Sam’s funeral. I explained how God carried me through the entire service at the church and also at the grave.
There are no words to express how it felt to watch your baby being lowered into the ground and dirt piled on top of him. Getting into the car without him and driving off was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to to do – second only to getting in the car at the hospital the night he died and driving off without him then. Leaving him there in that hospital was the first step in our life without him. A life that I would not have chosen, but that God in his sovereignty has asked me to live.
The next two weeks held many broken times and also many revelations that God gave to me. I’m actually going to write about these times in a separate blog post because I think they each need to be talked about in detail and not just mentioned briefly here. So be on the look out for those posts in the coming weeks.
I will talk about one time now. I was laying on the bed a few days after we lost him, crying and missing him so bad it physically hurt. God gave me a thought that brought instant peace to my heart. The next time I see Sam, I’ll never have to say goodbye again. I’ll never have to be apart from him. God will never again ask me to drive away without my Sam. I’ll be able to spend forever with him.
Forever means something so different to me after experiencing this pain. I never really viewed forever as a gift. But that’s exactly what it is. It’s a gift that my Jesus gave me. A gift that cost him everything. But a gift that he willingly gave. A gift of never having to be apart from Sam ever again. A gift of a thousand hugs. A million kisses. And more than a lifetime of love.
There are some things that God prepares you for long before you need them. Looking back now, there are several things that God had put on my heart months and even years before I lost my Sam. Things that God knew I would need at this moment in my life.
One of those things was God put it in my heart to have another baby. You see, I was done. I had four boys. Well above the average size of a family. I viewed Sam as the exclamation point to our family. And oh boy was he an exclamation point. That boy had more personality than his little body could contain. Everyone who met Sam immediately loved him. He kept us laughing all the time with that natural gift of entertainment that he had.
This was our Sam. Full of life. Full of personality.
But about six months before we lost Sam, God placed a desire in my heart for another baby. At first I joked about it with my husband (who was dead set against it), not even really believing it myself. But as time went on, that desire only grew until I knew without a doubt that God wanted us to have another baby.
Eventually Josh agreed and we started trying.
Now a little side note here. In the past, we were blessed to not have any trouble getting pregnant. The first month we tried, we got pregnant. And not one time did I take that for granted because I know there are many people who struggle with infertility and my prayers and heart always go out to them.
But this time was different. We tried for three months with no positive pregnancy test. Month after month went by and while I trusted God and his timing, I was confused. Why is it taking so long? Why have I not gotten pregnant yet?
And then after we lost Sam it all made sense. This was why. God knew the storm we were going to have to walk through. And he knew the grief I would have to face.
When it came time to take a test I wasn’t expecting to see anything. After all, I just walked through the deepest despair that I have ever experienced. But a little over two weeks after we lost Sam, this happened…
I was ecstatic. God gave us a little ray of sunshine on this dark road we were walking. This beauty and joy in the midst of ashes and mourning. Everything was going good and we were all so excited.
And then the unthinkable happened.
A week after I found out, I started having severe cramping. And then I started bleeding.
When it happened I remember thinking, no. This can’t be happening right now. Surely God wouldn’t take my baby right after losing my Sam.
But the bleeding kept coming. And the cramping continued. And I had to face the horrible truth.
I was losing my baby.
I crawled in my bed and wailed and cried and broke. Again. Except this time it was for my baby that I would never know.
Josh was holding me as I was breaking and I remember asking him, “Why? Why would God take both my babies from me?” And all he could say was “I don’t know.”
Because there is no answer. There is no understanding. After experiencing the worst loss any mother could face by losing their young child, I was being asked to face another loss. Just three weeks after losing my Sam.
The whole time I was crying, I was angry and confused. Angry because God could have healed Sam. He could have let me keep my baby. But he didn’t.
But even in the midst of my anger and my confusion, I trusted him. And I loved him. I remember crying, “God, I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?” And then in the same breath I said, “But I love you. And I trust you.”
And you know what. God wasn’t mad at me for being angry. He didn’t turn his back on me. His love once again picked me up in my brokenness and held me. And he gave me another vision like he did before, but this one looked a little different.
I was on my knees, just like the last vision, but this time I was crying and screaming, “Why? Why did you have to take both my babies?”And the whole time I was breaking and angry, Jesus was sitting there, still holding me. Still hurting with me.
In this storm of life that is raging all around me, he is my constant. When you think it can’t get any worse, and then it does, he is there. His love is never-changing. His love is never-ending.
On this road that I’m being asked to walk that isn’t fair and is so very hard, he is here, walking every step with me. Never asking me to walk it alone. Giving me his strength when I’m weak. And when I can’t take one more step, he picks me up and carries me. That is love. That is my Jesus.
And you know what? God isn’t done with our story yet. He hasn’t put the pen down and shut the book on our life. No. Our story is just beginning. And I know something beautiful is right around the corner.